Depression.

Everyone is fucking depressed.

If I didn't know this by all my friends telling me how they are, I had to have known by all the therapists my insurance plan accepts, no longer taking new patients or having a 6-8 week waitlist. I've been deemed as "not an emergency" so to the waitlist I go! The thing is, it's not an emergency. It's an emergency in my eyes because I'm typically a happy person. So the fact that I feel "off" makes my anxiety increase and I want to resolve the issue as quickly as I can.

When did it start? I could say it started when I moved back in with my parents because of Covid, but that would be a lie. Truth is I really can't pin point a time where my depression started, and I doubt the majority of depressed people can. Was it when I moved to a new city and made shitty friends that really didn't care for me? Or when I felt trapped at a dead end job, where my boss would sexually harass me? Maybe it was when I found out my disgusting ex was cheating. It brought down my ego, because he thought a guy with his face/personality could get a girl better than me. Honestly, it could've even began from when I was a quiet kid in a family of 7 children feeling like no one genuinely cared about me. Only upside I can think of is that is comes in waves. As cliché as that sounds, I'm only depressed for a few months at a time, and then it goes away. But it always comes back.

Doesn't matter if I upgrade to a better job, or I get a bigger apartment. And it doesn't matter if I get the most adorable cat (if you have a cat, just know mine is cuter) in the world. The depression is always there. It gets worse when your mind becomes a host for the depression and anxiety jailhouse tango, and you're left wide awake at 2am crying because you feel like everyone in your life hates you. I don't reach out to people for this very reason. Not because I'm a bitch (because I am), but because I genuinely think that by me sending a message or a snap or making plans, I'm annoying people.

I recently checked in on an twitter friend of mine, who had told our group chat he was leaving our group because he was really having a rough time with life and just needed space. He responded giving me the general "I'm doing better, thanks for asking" response you give when you think the person doesn't want to sit there and hear all your problems. After speaking for a little bit longer, he began to unload everything (almost everything) that he was feeling. It was heavy, and most likely warranted. He kept apologizing for telling me too much, but I didn't care because I genuinely was concerned about his well being.

I received a text from him this morning thanking me for reaching out. He said it meant a lot. I believe him. I have one friend that will randomly text me "hey I was just thinking about you, lets make plans", and then those plans consist of me and her just unloading everything we're currently going through. Those "I was just thinking about you" mean so much.

There's really no resolution in this blog. Mainly just me needing a vent session. But before I let you go, promise me you'll check in on a friend that may be going through depression, and genuinely listen to them. You have no idea how much it helps.

Thanks for being here! (On this blog, and this planet)